Quebec, we need to talk.

Last spring you brought in the ‘Orange Wave’ that pulled the Bloc out to sea and violently drowned them.
 
Then, you welcomed Francois Legault with open arms and together you CAQ-blocked the Péquistes.

Now, a floundering Gérald Tremblay is doing a morose victory lap on his tenth year as mayor of Montreal, just waiting to get pounded by Richard Bergeron or Louise Harel.

On the other hand, the NDP is polling low in Quebec, Legault wouldn’t stand a chance against Gilles Duceppe or maybe he won’t even not fare so well against Charest, but might still get a majority, while Tremblay…Well, Tremblay is screwed every which way.

Why are you so damn fickle, Quebec?

I’ve lived in this province for just shy of a year, and I’m having trouble wrapping my head around it. We only want Gilles Duceppe sometimes. We hate Jean Charest, but we’ll still elect his candidates. And instead of Tremblay, we’d elect a federal Liberal, who we just sent to the dog house in the last election.

The media has tried to explain it all. One theory goes that the NDP is sinking because Jack is gone (nevermind that the Dippers’ poll numbers stayed high for four months after his death.) Then there’s the never-ending ‘separatism is dead/no it’s not/yes it is/okay maybe it is/perhaps it’s not’ debate that makes one long for a nice, relaxing screaming match over the Turcot Interchange.

Quebec has always had a penchant for confusing the rest of Canada. It’s sort of a hobby. But when even Chantal Hebert can’t seem to figure out what the hell the province is thinking, maybe there’s a problem (‘The Bloc will destroy the NDP…or something.’)

Punishing the smart kids

If you’ll indulge me, I think I’ve figured it out.

Quebecers seem to hate politics.

This might seem like an odd statement for a politically-oriented province. Certainly, the Quebecois usually have a better grasp of what’s going on federally, provincially and municipally than the rest of Canada.

But, invariably, following politics makes you hate politics.

Whether it’s Harper chucking out the Polytechnique-inspired long-gun registry, Justin Trudeau calling Peter Kent an unpleasant name, Jean Charest fighting against a corruption probe before finally giving in, or Pauline Marois … doing whatever it is she does, you can’t really blame us.

What Jack Layton, Francois Legault and Richard Bergeron all offer us is the Hawaiian getaway of politics.

When we had Jack, things were puppies and rainbows. With Jack gone, we actually have to look at the NDP’s policies, and platform planks rarely conjure up warm tingly feelings that make all the boos and hisses of the House of Commons fade away. Legault, meanwhile, offered a no-nonsense approach as alternative to the caricatures of dumb and dumber. Then he crawled into bed with the ADQ and people remembered that Legault will eventually doing things other than nothing.

The problem is that we have so little faith in democratic institutions, we want to elect people seem to be removed from it. Once the facade of extra-parliamentary populism falls apart, our affection parks itself in the driveway of whatever party seems less terrible, until something new catches our affection.

Put more simply: we like shiny things.

The ALN, Union Nationale, ADQ, Credititses, Quebec Solidaire - they’ve all had their moment in the sun, only to fall apart once the province actually gets to know them.

Fix Quebec?

So what does one have to do to get a little respect in Quebec? Well, federally, the government shouldn’t be content with chanting “Sovereigntism is dead!” and spitting on the grave of the Bloc. No, actually addressing Quebec’s concerns with massive legislation would be a good start. Democratic reform is a good next step. An earnest conversation about language laws, too, would be nice. It would all help address Quebec’s lack of confidence in the federal government. Maybe then we could actually, you know, vote for a party out of affection rather than delusion.

And the other parties need to start, you know, doing things. Simply not being the Conservatives isn’t enough to gain the glowing affection of this province.

Provincially, someone needs to fire everyone in the Assemble Nationale. Replace them with the Habs, or something - anything. The dysfunction makes me want to vote for the CAQ. And I hate the CAQ.

The other options are a tad limited. Quebec Solidaire offers a home for left-of-center voters - just as long as they’re non-pequist, Franco-soveregntists. That pretty much leaves them with the 7% they’ve always had. The Liberals are the Mitt Romney of Quebec - nobody likes them, but they’re marginally better than choosing one of the other nuts. The Parti Quebecois is one caucus-expulsion away from oblivion, with their only hope coming from the defeated Bloc leader. That sentence alone sums out the to extent to which they are screwed.

Projet Montreal seems to have it figured out. The upstart municipal party, led by the affable Richard Bergeron, is a wonky environmentalist party hell-bent on making Montreal the most sustainable city in Canada. Bergeron’s poll numbers have been high, getting higher, and he seems to have a firm hand on the till. He may be Montreal’s great white hope - the man to sweep away disappointment and shake the hope right out of every Montrealer.

Or maybe he’ll win and be hated within two months. Who knows, with you people.